I blame Infertility

I really do miss the blog world. While I struggled for the four painfully long years with infertility , I feel as though blogging provided me with my only sense of sanity.Now I do feel torn in that I know I have graduated from the " infertile with no kids" category to the" infertile with one kid" category, but I still feel the same when I come back to my blog home. My heart still aches for those still waiting. I feel a sense of guilt that I now have what I know they want and so deserve to experience. For these reasons, I feel weird about blogging sometimes, but I decided to keep on keeping on.

Lately I have found myself dealing with a new ramification of infertility (or at least that is what I am blaming my crazy on). I find myself worrying. A LOT. Worrying about things that COULD happen to Carson. I get scared though out the day thinking of what in the world I would ever be able to do without him. I feel like I am constantly hearing about a child needing prayers for one reason or another. Most of the time they are health related. I feel so horrible for the mother and father having to watch their baby battle some of these horrendous obstacles. At first I wondered why more and more cases were appearing then ever before. Then after thinking about it,  I realized that social media has made many things so much more visible to the world. While I find myself praying for total strangers and their babies on the regular, I also find myself worrying about my own perfectly healthy little man. I praise God for him all of the time. He is my everything. I thought I knew the intensity of the love one has for their own baby, but I was off. Way off. I never knew I could love someone so much. I always just feel like my life is so perfect right now and I hate the feeling of thinking this can't just last forever. With every FB prayer request or blog support page I read, I feel so lucky, but so scared at the same time.  I want to just be able to live in the now and not worry about the future.

I place full blame on infertility for robbing me of my optimistic attitude. I spent one too many days, weeks, months being optimistic and found so often that just to lead me straight to the  big fat disappointment lurking around each corner. All throughout my pregnancy I struggled with these feelings. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Of course it never did and I went on to have a perfect baby boy. Well, that baby boy is now 15 months old and still full of perfection. I thought my worries would subside. They haven't. I blame this on the beast of infertility.

On another note, I would LOVE to have another baby. I would LOVE to make Carson a big brother. However, my pessimistic attitude tells me why even bother. I don't want to deal with months of disappointment. I feel like I have all I need.

Am I crazy?

Ok rant over. Sorry for being a totally Debbie Downer. I will leave you with some super cute pictures of my favorite little man.