Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Infertility Rookie
I always feel bad when I am reading other people's blogs and hearing their stories about numerous failed IUI cycles and failed IVF and FET attempts. I feel like I am such a rookie when it comes to IF because I have yet to experience these things. Yes, I definitely know a lot m0re about these things than the average person (mostly from googling and your blogs) but I have yet to experience them on my own. So I feel like when people read my blog or when people see me in the RE office, they just figure "she is just a rookie." Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I wish to become a part of this club, but I just feel like my journey hasn't been as involved as so many others and despite the 3 years, tons of negative tests, tears and a heartbreaking loss, I still feel rookie-ish. I don't like that feeling. Not that infertility gives out a special badge for your rank, but I just feel like I hurt with the rest of 'em. Deep down in my heart I always knew I would have a hard time getting pregnant. Even when I was in high school. I just knew it was something I longed for and I COULD NOT wait. At the time, I wished I could be 25 and married with kids but I just had a feeling it would not work out as I had planned. I'm not sure if this is why I feel like a pro instead of a rookie since I had "known" for so many years prior to our real starting line...?? My journey so far has consisted of timed intercourse ( I hate that word so much) and clomid. I have been taking metformin, triggered with HCG and progesterone suppositories after ovulation. We have done a total of 4 of these cycles over a very stretched out period of time (a year and a half). Our 2nd cycle "worked" and we were successful in getting pregnant. However, after the miscarriage, I began to lose hope again. It hurt so bad. I wasn't sure I could go through that again and of course there are no guarantees that I won't have to. Here are the issues I am dealing with: I am at the point in my journey where I feel like I am ready to move on from clomid. My RE had suggested injectible meds at my last appointment if that cycle didn't work (obviously it didn't). My issue is that I AM responding to the clomid. Most of the time women need more than 50 MG to induce ovulation and I don't. It works for me, at the lowest dose. I have been ovulating. In fact, this last cycle I had 3 good follies and an awesome lining. I think we were just off on the timing. A part of me thinks I should give clomid a few more tries. But the other part of me wonders if I am just wasting our time. My other issue is I feel like since I am so low on the fertility totem pole that I shouldn't be so sad and upset at failed cycles. However, each month I get a negative and approach the one year mark of our miscarriage, it hurts that much more. I guess I am just looking to validate my feelings. It hurts so much to think of my poor husband who could have chosen anyone else to marry and would have probably already has 2 kids by now. I know I have no choice but to deal with infertility but why should he HAVE to. This sucks. My lack of treatments may be keeping me in the minor leagues, but my thoughts and feelings make me feel like a pro.
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7 comments:
Infertility sucks and is completely devastating no matter what stage of the game you're in. Because someone may be further along in treatment than someone else, doesn't mean their pain or heartbreak is any greater than anyone else. We all have the same goal, and that's a baby....not being able to achieve that on our own (like we SHOULD be able to)makes this all such a hard pill to swallow.
You will move on to the next step when you're ready. It's a difficult decision to make. My old RE once told me that if clomid doesn't work within 3 or 4 cycles, then it's best to move on. But that might only be if you're not ovulating from it, which I wasn't.
As far as your husband, I used to feel the same way about mine. But I'm pretty certain, that if they were given the chance to do this all again, and KNEW the troubles we would have in giving them a child....they would marry us all over again.
Keep the faith....you'll get there!!!
I could have written that post myself a couple years ago! (hugs) This whole IF business can really make us doubt ourselves and our legitimized pain.
Like Andrea (above) said, " Keep the faith. You will get there!"
Oh sweetie... I am sorry things did not work out this month... I completely unrstand what you are saying... What about trying a month of injectables? Even though you are ovulating on clomid, you might still need to try something else? I say listen to your heart no matter what advice you get, you need to feel comfortable with your plan of care and that is the most important decision... ((hugs))
Cori - My heart really goes out to you. IUI's and IVF's don't make you any more "infertile" than the next person and they certainly don't give a person more right to be upset with a BFN than others. The fact is, no matter what we are doing (or not doing) treatment wise - a BFN hurts. A lot.
Only you and your DH know the right treatment path for you. Please don't feel pressured to step it up just because you feel like everyone else would have at this point.
We have gone back and forth. We did IUI's in 2007, got certified to adopt in 2010 and now are doing injectibles with Timed Intercourse (I hate those words too) Even after 6 years of battling IF, we have only done 3 IUI's and have never done IVF. It just hasn't worked out for us.
Big hugs to you! I have felt the same way about my DH marrying someone else and after a few glasses of wine one night expressed those feelings to him. I didn't realize until after that night how untrue that really was and how hurtful it was to him that I thought he would be better off with someone else just so he could have kids. The fact is, they married us for us...not for future children. :-)
No need to validate your feelings. We are all here on the same, nonjudgmental grounds...and that is of wanting a child. Whether it's been 3 years of tons of failed IVFs or IUIs or not, it is still 3 years of your life dedicated to the vicious cycle of BFNs. I know what you mean, though, and I felt like a rookie about 6 months ago. It wasn't until my first appointment with my RE in August that I really started to become "educated," from a source other than Dr. Google and blogs. :) I'm sorry to hear about your recent BFN. Keep the faith, as I said in my blog! (Easier said than done, though, huh?).
Cori - You have GOT to stop calling yourself a rookie, or low on the totem pole. Because that is not true. IF is a BATTLE. I HATE when people compare numbers and blah blah blah, my story is worse than yours or I've been trying longer, or well, I've lost babies. We all cry, and mourn the same. Some may be more exhausted than others due to time going by, but we ALL battle. You've experienced loss, failed cycles over and over again, IF treatment experiments...give yourself the credit you deserve. I do hope that the RE's figure out what's goin on. Praise God that you respond so well to clomid and make beautiful follies, that's so great. But yes, like me, the unknown reasons are far worse than the diagnosed ones. I'll say a prayer for you. Know you are supported, and no one is comparing you to their story. We mourn together! Need to chat? email me.
I just stumbled on your blog today, and I dont know you but I myself struggled for 4 years to get pregnant and had some similar feelings as you. Have you thought about doing Femara instead of Clomid? Perhaps its something to discuss with your RE before moving to injectibles. Also maybe clomid and IUI would be a good combo for you.
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